Boundaries That Make Sense

One of my biggest challenges in life has always been setting boundaries. Like most kids, I just wasn’t aware that I even needed to establish boundaries, which resulted in me being nothing more than a doormat. I was a tireless giver. Eventually I realized that I had to live differently or there wasn’t going to be a “me” to give.

Later, after I learned how to say “no,” I set boundaries out of a reaction to fear. This wasn’t very effective either. It turned me into a control freak. I would often mistake boundary setting with aggression or force.

Over the last few years, as I’ve come to understand fear, my struggle with the concept of boundaries continued. It continued because, to me, the idea of boundaries represented just another “reaction to fear” an implied mistrust of self and others. Don’t get me wrong. I intuitively understand the need for boundaries, but I have never really enjoyed the way boundaries are taught.

Yes, we all want, and deserve, to feel respected and to be safe. This is vital to our happiness. But the perspective that some have that we must shield ourselves from new experiences sounds a lot like victim making.

Today, during a period of self-reflection, I was FINALLY able to hear and understand an answer about boundaries. I was presented with a new context I could experiment with. I am SO excited! I just love having “ah-ha moments!”

I’m sure you’ve heard me say this before, YOU live what You believe. And…life is a reflection of your relationship with self. So what does this have to do with boundary setting?

Let’s use your imagination to remember a time when an insult or attack just bounced off of you. You know, like a ping pong ball hitting a sidewalk, it just didn’t get to you.

Do you have it in your minds eye?

Good

Why do you think the attack just bounced off of you and did not affect you one little bit?

You didn’t believe it!

It didn’t stick because there was nothing for it to stick to. (Period) The heart of today’s “ah-ha” knows that your belief in yourself is your natural shield. And it doesn’t require you to “ARM” yourself…because it is already in place, all the time, everywhere you go. When you “know” who you are …there is nothing false that can penetrate the strength of your self loving barriers.

So what happens when you do feel the sting of an accusation? Does it mean you need to “armor” up in order to protect your tender heart? No… it is a signal to sit with the pain long enough to let it go. Trust that it won’t overwhelm you and know that all pain is temporary. Pain is simply telling you where love is not. Love yourself enough to face it, let it go and fill that space up with love.